No wrinkles or crinkles in the old Shool

We have been intrigued by many items in the 938-page Tender Document (with supplements) that is being studied by the contractors who are eager to work on our new building. Among hazards which the contractors may encounter are "live services on site", which we would have thought rather predictable for a church.  We are reassured to know that the use of explosives and materials liable to spontaneous combustion is not permitted, and that on no account is polychlorinated bihenyl to be introduced. Intriguing too that "swimming pool ventilation is to be provided" - we hadn't realised a swimming pool was included in the site - where can we fit it in? It is also impressive that the new paint is guaranteed not to "slump, flow, crack, flake, split, sag, pit, bubble, blister, float, effloresce, craze, shrink, break, wrinkle or crinkle."

A reference to the British Wood Preserving and Damp-Proofing Association is fascinating. Where do they meet? Are they planning a Christmas party? And what do they talk about over the mince pies?  We hear also about "wrought-iron crumpets" (rather indigestible we would have thought), and "reinforcement bars, deformed, in beds" (uncomfortable, perhaps intended only for Lent?).  Under the heading of "philosophy for the electrical distribution" we hear that "all busbars will be fully shrouded". Do the philosophers drink in the bus bars while wearing their shrouds?

But what is most interesting of all is that on the Room Data Sheets the existing building is consistently called the "Old Shool Building". Now in fact that is quite correct - for some time in the 1980s, the upper room of the Parish Centre was used as a schul while the synagogue in Richmond Road was being rebuilt. That is why there is a mezuza by the outer door, and another on the door at the top of the stairs.
A mezuza? did we hear you ask. It's a little metal tube which contains a slip of paper with the words of the Shema'

"Shema, Yisrael, Adonai elohenu Adonai echad ...   Hear, O Israel: the LORD our God is one LORD; and you shall love the LORD your God, with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might.    And these words which I command you this day ... you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." (Deuteronomy 6:4-9)



The mezuzoth are still there today, and we shall take care to rescue them before building work starts.